Being the “other woman” in a married man’s affair was one of the most powerful and painful experiences of my life so far.
If, after looking at my photo, you’re surprised — that I don’t “look like” someone who could have had an affair — then you’ve seen too many of those cheesy made-for-TV movies.
I don’t own red lipstick. I don’t live in lingerie. And I wasn’t prowling for a married man when our 6-month relationship began. But that doesn’t mean I believe it’s something that “just happens.”
If you’re in an affair, it is not by accident: it is the result of free-will-powered choices.
If you’re at that inevitable rock bottom right now, you won’t get out of it by accident either.
And if you’re not at that inevitable rock bottom right now, the sand in the hourglass is running out.
Having an affair is like playing spiritual, emotional Russian roulette; it’s only a matter of time until you reach the loaded chamber. The “bullet” inside won’t be a blank.
And it’s a “bullet” whose type and level of damage isn’t your choice. Like Pandora’s Box, once you’ve opened the door to an affair, you don’t get a choice of what it unleashes.
I know you think you’re in love with him. But this couldn’t be farther from true love.
Because true love is selfless.
And having an affair is one of the most selfish things you could ever do.
You are living — and loving — a lie.
Let me ask you, are you really prepared to wait and see what the Wheel of Consequences will land on?
Are you ready for it to land on:
- A sexually transmitted disease (perhaps even an incurable one)
- A lawsuit (yes, in certain states the spouse can sue the “other”)
- A child you then coparent with him (or raise alone)
- A combination of any of these
- A broken heart
- Job loss
I’m not wishing any of these on you — I’m merely pointing out real possibilities. There are multiple examples of each of these things actually happening. You can find examples of online or through any of those affair-based true-crime television shows. Yes, there are entire series dedicated to affair-related crimes.
The married man I had been involved did eventually reach the point of wanting a divorce from his wife. Or, at least that what he said. He ultimately didn’t go through with it — and on this side of things, I’m thankful he didn’t. But I remember the night he told me. A moment I had fantasized about was VERY different in reality.
I’ve also met women who did ultimately end up with their now-husbands — and it’s been HARD road for them to walk. It’s been hard to build or maintain trust. I realized, too, that what he’d done with me meant he was capable of doing it to me someday. It’s been hard to receive forgiveness for themselves. It’s been hard to coparent the children born by his first wife.
So where do you go from here?
Things I did / do…
- CUT THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION
- Block his email address
- Change your phone number
- Change jobs, if you work with him (yes, really)
- Read John 8:1 – 11 (all the way through verse 11)
- Stop giving him access to your mind, heart, body, and soul
- Relocate if you can — get a fresh start in a new apartment or home
- Consider professional counseling with a woman
- But be careful — there is such a thing as crappy counseling
- Connect with a sound, solid local church
- Sad that I have to say this — but be careful, there is such a thing as a crappy church
- Get tested for sexually transmitted diseases — routinely (not once; some STDs are latent for years after, and there are no observable symptoms)
- Don’t like having blood drawn or your lady bits swabbed?
- Would you rather find out because your vaginas broken out into warts?
- Would you rather pass something on to your future husband?
- Would you rather find out too late and you’re beyond help?
- Don’t like having blood drawn or your lady bits swabbed?
- Invite Jesus to begin a redeeming, renewing work in your heart and mind
- Learn about soul ties and breaking them in the name of Jesus
- Spend time each morning talking openly and honestly with God
- Spend time each morning reading the Bible, to help renew your mind
- Read Psalm 51 (the psalm David wrote after being called out for his affair)
Things I wish I had done or had known about — or had been created at the time…
- Do the 21-Day Brain Detox via Dr. Caroline Leaf (yes, really)
- Affairs are neurological, too! And toxic to your thinking/brain/biology!
- Attend Dani Johnson’s First Steps to Success, especially the Spiritual Equipping Event
- Sign up to receive news from DaniJohnson.com, or follow her on social media (@danijohnsonlive) because the Spiritual Equipping Event is usually free and open to the public — which means if a future First Steps is near you, you can at least go to that!
P.S. Cutting the lines of communication includes social media!
For cryin’ out loud — stop making it harder on yourself by staying Facebook friends with him!
I periodically receive emails or messages from women who say they want to walk away but they “can’t.” Let me ask you:
- Do you have days when you don’t want to go to work, but you do anyway?
- Do you have days when you don’t want to workout at the gym, but do anyway?
You ARE capable of doing things you don’t want to do!
Then, these women usually ask me to pray that they’ll walk away.
Prayer is very powerful when you know someone who’s in an affair, BUT be careful to ask people to pray that you would leave an affair:
The people praying for you can’t override your free will.
But we can pray that God would loose more of whatever will bring you to a point of surrender. Do you really want to find out what that’s gonna take?
Not even Jesus picked up the paralytic’s mat for him; he had to do it for himself.
Listen, please release yourself of the expectation that it’s all going to happen overnight. That you’ll repent on Sunday night and wake up on Monday like it never happened.
You’ll move forward from it the same way you got into it:
Choice by choice; day by day.
Please also don’t believe the lies that God’s forgiveness “didn’t work,” if you still remember what happened: Redemption is not a former of amnesia.
But, if you’ll let Him — in time your memories will become powerful keys to others’ freedom, too.
It takes time for even your brain chemistry to catch up to your new mindsets and habits — hence the renewing of our minds talked about in the Bible.
Certain essential oils may help with this, believe it or not.
That’s because the part of your brain that stores:
…doesn’t respond to sight, sound, or touch. But it does respond to smell!
The oils have got to be high enough quality to really benefit; purity matters. (Learn more through Kayla’s free emotional freedom class recording then email me for support and recommendations!)
Is there hope for you?
Yes, there is always, always hope with Jesus.
That doesn’t mean you won’t have consequences to dig out from under, or deal with for at least the near future. That also doesn’t mean you won’t have to be diligent and persistent in making redemption a new lifestyle.
Just like when you need to change your nutrition — change what you’ve been feeding your heart, mind, and soul. Your body has literally been experiencing similar hormonal releases as certain narcotics! It’s going to take time and intentionality. Please don’t try to go it alone.
I can’t promise that it’ll be easy.
But as I’ve seen in my own life and other redeemed adulteresses — I can say that it’ll be worth it.
No matter how bleak your past — with God through Jesus you can have a bright future.
Rebecca Halton is the author of Words from the Other Woman: The True Account of a Redeemed Adulteress. Her next book of hope and redemption is due to release in 2018. Sign up below for updates and exclusives!