Awake and Anxious

I inexplicably woke up a couple minutes shy of 3 a.m.

Again.

Is it possible to be awoken by anxiety? Because there it was, hovering like someone with no sense of personal space. Or at least no respect for it. Stank-breathed. Inconsiderate. Intrusive.

I tried to fall back asleep.

It didn’t work this time.

So I grabbed a pen and paper instead. Maybe moving them to paper could evict my anxious thoughts from my mind:

March 28, 2017

Almost nothing about my life right now is what I expected it would be.

Last night, I re-calculated what’s left of my student loans. Nearly $75,000. I felt sick. Approximately a third of that is interest alone. Grad school: A decision I regret almost every day. A decision I am responsible for. A decision I haven’t forgiven myself for (yet).

And now the medical bills are accumulating, too.

I’m a little more than 3 weeks post-op. The hysterectomy was a success…in the surgical sense. This time a year ago, I had no idea that I was the 1 in 10 women with endometriosis. Plus the adenomyosis. Post-op follow-up is tomorrow morning….

I’m also still single. I’m not interested in marriage for marriage’s sake. But I desire my husband. It’s aggravating how quickly people assume that if you desire your husband as a single woman, you must be discontent. Maybe that’s true. Maybe that’s part of the point. 

But I’m pretty sure it’s possible to have a longing in your heart while living your life.

Longings…

I remember those. 

Vaguely, it seems, these days.

Once upon a time, there was a girl whose dreams were bigger than her debts…

…but whose God is
still bigger than it all.


 

IMG_1514-RebeccaHalton-CityLifestyle-160607Rebecca Halton is the author of Words from the Other Woman: The True Account of a Redeemed Adulteress (read the first chapter here).

She’s a self-professed redemption advocate, who’s increasingly — and less apologetically — learning to embrace grace, be real, and choose faith in the midst of whatever life may bring. Facebook / Instagram

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