I inexplicably woke up a couple minutes shy of 3 a.m.
Is it possible to be awoken by anxiety? Because there it was, hovering like someone with no sense of personal space. Or at least no respect for it. Stank-breathed. Inconsiderate. Intrusive.
I tried to fall back asleep.
It didn’t work this time.
So I grabbed a pen and paper instead. Maybe moving them to paper could evict my anxious thoughts from my mind:
March 28, 2017
Almost nothing about my life right now is what I expected it would be.
Last night, I re-calculated what’s left of my student loans. Nearly $75,000. I felt sick. Approximately a third of that is interest alone. Grad school: A decision I regret almost every day. A decision I am responsible for. A decision I haven’t forgiven myself for (yet).
And now the medical bills are accumulating, too.
I’m a little more than 3 weeks post-op. The hysterectomy was a success…in the surgical sense. This time a year ago, I had no idea that I was the 1 in 10 women with endometriosis. Plus the adenomyosis. Post-op follow-up is tomorrow morning….
I’m also still single. I’m not interested in marriage for marriage’s sake. But I desire my husband. It’s aggravating how quickly people assume that if you desire your husband as a single woman, you must be discontent. Maybe that’s true. Maybe that’s part of the point.
But I’m pretty sure it’s possible to have a longing in your heart while living your life.
…I remember those.
Vaguely, it seems, these days.
Once upon a time, there was a girl whose dreams were bigger than her debts…
…but whose God is
still bigger than it all.
Rebecca Halton is the author of Words from the Other Woman: The True Account of a Redeemed Adulteress (read the first chapter here).
She’s a self-professed redemption advocate, who’s increasingly — and less apologetically — learning to embrace grace, be real, and choose faith in the midst of whatever life may bring. Facebook / Instagram