If we — you and I, reader — have been connected for more than a year now, then you may recall that I was dating someone early last year. I “suddenly” stopped talking or posting about the relationship…
…because a year ago today, he unexpectedly asked me for a 6-month break.
Which, I agreed to and honored.
I didn’t date anyone else in that time.
I dove deeper into my own healing.
(Most notably, recovery from a previous, emotionally-abusive relationship.)
I survived not one but two surgeries.
I committed to personal counseling.
I grappled with grief, fear, worry.
I held on to hope. I held on to him…even through the moments when he was the last person I wanted to feel close to. But even more than giving my word to him, I’d given my word to God. I promised God that I would give Him the six months.
After the six months, we reconvened. I’m not sure the details matter, so I’ll just say that we were both still open to dating each other — but didn’t agree on some of the terms. So we parted. Sort of. What followed were some clumsy, candid, or confusing interactions during the next few months.
But now we’re all but strangers. Despite occasional opportunities to small-talk or invitations to interact, he seems distant and guarded. Or maybe hardest of all to accept: disinterested. I miss him most as friend, but do also miss the moments of being in his arms. His hug. His hold. His heart.
We could spend hours being still. Talking. Laughing. Resting. A friend noted how well we “held the world back” for one another, creating a space where we could each rest. Be. Or not be. I miss him, and yet I’m also determined to be missed.
I haven’t wanted to blog about the breakup for a few different reasons:
One of the biggest reasons was the unknown of it all. I didn’t know what would happen, and therefore wanted to be cautious with any assumptions (good or bad). I’ve also always been protective of what was truly a special relationship, and haven’t wanted to expose him to any ridicule or criticism. (So, please don’t do that. I’ll delete it. That’s not the goal here.)
Another of the biggest reasons has been the hope…
…for months, I have harbored the hope that the day would have come again when I would, could, post about meaningful moments, lessons learned, and love shared. When I could post snapshots of memories we had the privilege of making together. And no one would have to know that, at least for a time, it was over. That it is over.
But blogging about it like this?
Acknowledging that the end of it did happen? That the start of it did happen? That the happy and the hard moments happened? The laughs and the tears, the dreams and the fears all happened? But don’t happen anymore…and may not again…?
I don’t think I’ve wanted to accept that.
And yet, I also haven’t wanted to accept less:
To not be a “somebody.”
But to be a someone.
So why now? Besides the anniversary. I assure you, it’s not the anniversary I hoped we could have celebrated this year. There’s something about this 1-year mark that seems “final,” though. Maybe it’s time I call it; give up. Give in. In a year, he hasn’t changed his mind. And so, maybe I should try to change mine…
…but I also want you who are currently brokenhearted, maybe even blindsided by it, to be encouraged. I marvel at where I am today in contrast to where I was a year ago. I know how much it hurts. I know how much it doesn’t make sense. But I also know it’s worth persisting by faith…
…trusting the One who knows, even when you and I don’t.
I’m still sad in a way–but not hurt.
I’m not angry at him or bitter…anymore.
I’m not mad at God (or myself)…anymore.
I’m truly thankful for how far God’s brought me since this day a year ago. Holy Spirit had forewarned me that it would hurt — that he would break my heart — but that it would be okay. I’m accepting that “okay,” may not be my idea of okay after all.
But that “okay,” can also be better than any of my ideas would have been. Because I can take heart that if God’s plan for my life involves my husband (not just “a husband”), then I can choose the peace of trusting His plan, His timing…even in the face of other’s free-willed choices.
I tinker with the idea of dating again. I feel readier to try again. I haven’t “organically” met anyone I’m interested in. And there is not present suitor. Which is sweet and wonderful in its own way, for the season I’m in. While I couldn’t feel farther from him–I also couldn’t feel closer to Him.
But it became clear to me today that I haven’t yet been able to close the chapter, not really–and that can be okay for now. I can let the process and pace be what it needs to be…incrementally letting go while incrementally opening up to new possibilities:
For now, though, it can be okay that I hear a passing motorcycle on our road and still hope. I know from the engine’s sounds that it isn’t his. It isn’t the one I’d ride with him, holding tightly as we took on open roads and unexpected turns–together.
But I still peek up, perk up, every time.